Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Machine Hums Through The Wall

There's not much I can say about being 40, really I find much of the self-aggrandizing hype that people do about aging is bullshit. You know the know the kind "I am not older, I'm better!" or the ones who try so hard to tell you how they're still sexy and alive. Yet it sort of seems they're trying to convince rather than make a point. Yeah them.

For me the truth is I never expected, wanted or planned for 40. I was pretty sold on the idea of dying of a drug overdose, or some extreme act of stupid. Maybe not knowing that fear is a good thing and when it says shut up and run you probably should.

And so here I am sitting here sort of baffled by my mortality. The concept of getting ill or developing some type of health regime to keep a machine running I didn't take care of in the first place. Just leaves me confused and flustered.

If I'd known I'd need this shell for this long maybe I'd have cared for it better.

But the physical is minor in comparison to the mental, emotional and spiritual.

The world gets more confusing all the time, the people in it more distant. My ability to be apart of seems to lessen at every turn. Never was I meant to be a part of the crowd. And not in some mopey shunned way. This ain't me saying "Nobody loves me, because I'm different." because the truth is most people who think or say that are just assholes who try too hard. I have had some great friendships and great love. I have never felt rejected. I was just always aware I was different. Like I saw from some strange angle. A kaleidoscope view. Always somehow more aware, more conscious and always more feeling. Man I get angry and I cry and I hurt so often, then I look at the people around me and it's anti-climatic, a world of shrugs and "Yeah, it's like that".

All of this increases as time goes by. Becomes more prevalent. My need for escape more desperate, my hope to find some resolution with the world more hopeless. I want to make some peace. But it seems the terms of the treaty cannot be written.

Just make it clear here. I am not complaining. I have been given gifts and granted graces I am more than grateful for. And I have had experiences and lived moments of magnificent beauty. I did okay for a fuck up.

It's just that in the past 8 months since I turned 40 I have become aware of a few things. And 40 seems to be catalytic, a contained explosion in my understanding of the universe.

First and foremost, the world is in fact full of empty, shallow and self-centered people. People who are nothing until someone tells them what to be. For the most part that someone telling them is the media. People who buy wholesale into what is good, what is right, what it takes to make you whole and complete...And that often comes with a price tag for these folks. When I see them they all seem to be blurry, out of focus. Hard to retain. Like they are a life waiting...waiting...waiting....to happen. But it never really does. Because there is always next season, next event, next flag to wave in the crowd. The causes they believe in are mostly disposable, they sit in the back of the room with a blank protest sign and a marker waiting for what it is they are suppose to be angry or impassioned about next. They are the eaters, consumers and clogs in space and time. And trust me brother, they'll swear up and down they ain't, they'll try to convince you they're free and that they aren't one of them and they take great affront to being told that they are. That's the consumer defense mechanism.

In my life I have fought hard to untangle and unburden myself of them. They're gruesome and parasitic. They eat them that care, that matter and that speak truths.

Lately I've become aware, painfully in some cases. That I need to be aware that it's okay to dislike something without it making me angry. That I don't have to give much room to the things that bring me grief.

Also I have become aware that most people are incapable of not liking another human being without being malicious or damaging. What that is about I don't know. It seems to me if you don't like someone...Fuck 'em. Move on and let them be. Let them have theirs and you have yours. But more often than not, most people seem to find that they cannot just dislike someone, they have to try to harm them too, with gossip, violence and immature attacks that really only serve to show how under-developed they are. And how weak their character is. But sadly, often these attacks are effective even if they are spiritually wrong and damaging to everyone involved. Hey man, if you're one of them, if you consciously go out of your way to cause grief to that dude at work you don't like. If you intentionally try to upset your neighbor because you are not fond of them, if you gossip in hopes of allying other hateful worms to your cause. Here's how you stop that. Find a high bridge and jump from it. You're probably without redemption anyway.

Spiritually, I have concluded after a sincere and whole effort to learn about God and faith. That there is no God. Or if there is he has not got any stake in my small insignificant life. There are simply people, with their schemes, agendas and terror-filled grasps at creating something to containing all those things they cannot control or understand. If you need some supernatural reason or some faith based organization to tell you what is right and wrong. Whilst throwing in archaic rules on diet, attitude and dress which were once useful when the only way to enforce a law was to say god commanded it, laws that were meant mostly to protect the tiny communities they governed and the leaders who enjoyed being a big fish in in tiny pond. And have no use or place in a greater society. You are indeed a troubled being and probably need to question what you are lacking, not what you are seeking.

Sorry if I seem to be ranting, I am tired, I am old and I have had enough.

I am what I am now I guess. I am full and empty all the same.

I cannot apologize. My days of guilt and penance are over.

Just ignore this, it's a bookmark in the story of my life.


1 comment:

  1. Jeff, I've missed you and your ability to sum up a lot of life lessons in a brief essay. Freeing yourself from the burden of people who are pettily cruel is easier said than done. I think all of us have the innate desire to lash out sometimes, even though it's undeserved. I have to start by fighting that inclination in myself. I find that instead of being cruel to people they dislike, many folks (myself included) make the mistake of being hurtful to those they love, because it feels like a safe way to act out. Of course, this is a losing proposition for everyone. I haven't reached a point where I'm innocent of this, but I try to watch for it in myself.